EXCLUSIVE – Innovative New Bash Toy Showcases Future Pinball Technlogy

Chicago, IL – Pinball manufacturers are racing to incorporate the latest technology advancement that many are already saying will redefine the game.  At a recent industry trade show, a long-time pinball fanatic stated: “Pinball has always been a physical game – real gravity, a real ball – this just takes that idea to its natural conclusion.”

Said one manufacturer’s rep: “This goes way beyond magnets.  This little fella can capture the ball, bat it, chase it and sometimes, well, just ignore it (we’re working on that).  It’s also got its own built-in sound system that works completely independent of the sound board.  Players have been complaining for years about the lack of stereo sound in pinball games – mercifully this will shut them the hell up.”

Above: This unit is ready for installation in a popular game (Limited Edition version only)

When questioned about the new addition’s impact to game prices, the rep said, “Pinball prices are skyrocketing.  Look, we get it, we listened.  That’s the beauty of these things.  You can pick them up at the local shelter for peanuts.  Sometimes they just show up around your garbage cans. There is no better bang-for-buck value out there.  In fact these things are so wallet-friendly we’re throwing in two extra with every game.”  He then tapped the side of a boxed pinball game and faint “mewing” sounds could be heard emanating from within.

Pinball has traditionally been a male-dominated activity, however, the new addition is especially popular with women. “Omigod, it’s so cuuuute!”  As a result, several local tournament players claimed they spoke and interacted with actual females who were neither their mothers nor their parole officers, something which has not happened since they started playing pinball.  These claims have not been verified, however, as when we questioned several women in a local bar they looked embarrassed, confused and then ran away as quickly as possible.

The new technology is credited with enticing more of the fairer sex to give pinball a twirl.

A local Pinball Operator said, “It’s the easiest pinball mech I’ve ever worked on.  You just slide the glass down a few inches and drop it in.  And if the game starts to get stale on location, you can put two or three inside, or staple a few LEDs to their tails.”

The manufacturer’s rep went on to say, “We tried a lot of different approaches in the electro-mechanical realm.  We tried a robotic monkey, for example.  But our customers said the monkey was ‘freakish’, fueled nightmares, hallucinations and suffered from ‘possible demonic possession.’  Then we saw a picture of a real monkey and suddenly the light bulb turned on.  Real monkeys are way cuter than electro-mechanical monkeys.”

” 

Left: The ‘Monkey Monger’ idea quickly faded into obscurity.  Right: A very cute real monkey.

“We needed real monkeys, but have you ever tried to get one?  They’re not cheap and they bite you to hell.  We ran the numbers, including payoffs to customs officials – they just didn’t make the bill of materials.  We sharpened our pencils and that’s when we knew it had to be cats.  No import taxes, they come in a variety of colors and the mouse problem at the factory is now a non-issue.”

Unsurprisingly, animal rights activists sharply poo-poo’d the new technology, calling it “unbelievably cruel, you <expletive> <expletive> sons-of <expletive>.”  An industry expert responded to the accusations saying, “Look, cats like to be warm, and a pinball machine is warm, right?  So they’re wrong.  And dumb. Really dumb.  Now get out there and support pinball.”